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shadow of your wings

In preparation for Gray’s stem cell transplant next week, he has to go through a variety of scans and tests. Before something as vigerous and hard on the body as this 30 day transplant will be, the doctors want to be sure that Gray’s heart, kidneys and other organs are strong enough to endure the next phase of treatment. Yesterday Gray had an echocardiogram, an EKG, a CT full body scan and an MIBG bone scan. The day started out pretty rough. Gray wasn’t allowed to eat or drink in the morning and, of course, he woke up both very hungry and very thirsty. So, Gray started off cranky. There’s nearly nothing worse then having to tell your baby “no” when all he’s asking for is something to eat or drink. It wears on us emotionally as his parents. If only he could understand. The first test scheduled for the day was the echocardiogram and Gray struggled through it. We did our best to calm him but were nervous for what the day would bring. Especially if Gray was already upset during his first test. After the heart tests, Gray went onto his full body and bone scans. While we were nervous about how it would go we have to say that GRAY DID AWESOME!!!! This was the first scan he’s ever had where he didn’t have to be sedated!! He was so brave and laid very still while the doctors did the scan. We were very proud of him!! After all of his tests, we were more then happy to head back home. Every moment we  have at home before Gray’s 30-day admission for his transplant is a treasured moment. Today, we are back at the hospital for another day full of tests. Gray still has clinic and a bone marrow biopsy before his next scheduled treatment. He also has to visit the dentist this week. Apparently, before he can have the stem cell transplant they have to be sure there aren’t any infections or bacteria in his teeth or mouth. The best we can explain it is that because the stem cell transplant can cause some terrible side effects, including mouth sores, they want to minimize Gray’s risk of spreading infection throughout his body as much as they possibly can. We just ask for your continued prayers as we walk through this week. Gray is doing so well with his tests this week but we are nervous about both the dentist visit and, of course, the upcoming stem cell transplant. We truly need peace that passes understanding and we need strength as a family. Some days are easier then others but the weight of a cancer diagnosis on a family member, particularly a child, is something that never ceases to bear heavily on your mind. It’s always there. It’s haunting. It’s aggressive. It’s frightening. We are doing our best to push anxiety from our hearts and minds as Gray approaches his stem cell transplant but the possible side effects and overall treatment is something that you just can’t help but think about. This is a serious treatment with possibly serious consequences and we just hope and pray that the benefits of the treatment far outweigh the negative side effects. It’s been very hard for us during this break to see our little Grayson’s personality shining through and know what the future holds. He lives his life without a clue or a care of what tomorrow may bring while we, as his mom and dad, know that in a matter of a few short days he will be going through the toughest battle of his treatment thus far. It will be physically demanding, emotionally challenging and a fight we will have to stand through as a family. I think we are as ready as we possibly can be but that just doesn’t seem like enough. Each and every time we see our baby going through another test, another treatment and another surgery it’s like ripping a scab off of a wound. It’s almost as if we know Gray has cancer and we see one treatment or one test and then we have a few “normal” days at home, just enough to make you feel like you have your little boy back, and then something happens setting you back and reminding you in the rawest of ways that YES, your son has cancer. He’s battling for his life. He’s fighting a fight most wouldn’t have the strength to endure. We are thankful for the strength of our baby, for the support of our friends and family and for your prayers. This journey is hard enough WITH faith that we can’t even begin to imagine how people walk this road without a loving God to hold them up when they can’t stand on their own.

“There is a God who loves me, who wraps me in His arms. That is the place where I’m free. That’s where I belong. Take me to that place Lord, to that secret place where I can be with you and you can make me like you. Wrap me in your arms. Wrap me in your arms. Wrap me in your arms.”

9 Responses to “shadow of your wings”

  1. Baylie Hall March 16, 2011 at 12:39 pm #

    Praying for you guys! I can’t wait to hear what God has instore for your little boy. He truly is a miracle baby. Keep your faith!!

  2. Tammie Dubs March 16, 2011 at 6:57 pm #

    Hi there. I heard about Gray from a friend of mine. I will certainly pray for him. I have a son who is 10 now but had a liver transplant in ’08 and then a bone marrow transplant in April of ’09. Yes, it is a very serious treatment but necessary one. I share in your fears of complications and reprecussions of this. My son is doing wonderful and I will pray that Gray will come through this with flying colors. Hugs to your family. Tammie

  3. Nancy Miguez March 16, 2011 at 7:37 pm #

    Jill, we love you and your family. Praying for all of you.

  4. Cindy Bennett March 17, 2011 at 4:14 pm #

    I have been thinking about your family this week. Children have been given a wonderful ability to live in the moment. God told us to be like a little child, hard thing to do with all the information we as adults have to deal with. You have dealt with this situation in an amazing way and are a wonderful testimony to those with a trial to go through. I am sure if you could take this on yourself you would take it in a millisecond, without another thought. You will be in my prayers. Grayson will be in my heart for a very long time if not forever. He has become a permanent fixture in my thoughts and my prayers. God is still in control and He still cares about your every need.
    “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in His way. Though he fall,he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord holdeth him with his hand. I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging for bread. He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed.” Psalm 37:23-26

  5. Team Madison March 17, 2011 at 10:00 pm #

    We are at OU rest of this week getting Madison’s chemo. Her MRi sjowed it’s now in her brain which completely blindsided us. We will be back in 3 weeks from now- ill stop by and see you and Mr. G. Much love Jill!

  6. Pennie Wiles March 18, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

    Hey guys!
    Just a note to let you know that Mike and I pray for you. If there is anything we can do from this end, just let us know.
    Pennie

  7. Delena Link March 19, 2011 at 8:24 am #

    Sending lots of prayers for little Gray and family for peace and restoration. We love you guys.

  8. Demetri Wooten March 19, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

    To all the Family,

    Just want to let you know that I am praying and thinking of all of you and want to remind you that I am here should you find you need help with anything.

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