April 19, 2012 in Uncategorized with 158 Comments

“You don’t know the first thing about tomorrow. You’re nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing.” James 4:14 (MSG)

There are so many lessons that we learn along the journey of life. We read self help books, we cling to well thought out quotes, we seek counsel from mentors and we listen to that one song over and over that always gets us through a difficult time. Lessons come in many forms. Some present themselves through humor or sudden, but welcome, circumstances. Others, however, blindside us. They aren’t lessons we choose to learn and most often are lessons we avoid learning as long as humanly possible. Through Grayson’s fight against cancer we have faced countless lessons, both as individuals and as a family. None of the lessons we’ve faced have been welcome but all have brought us to today.

Last week, Gray underwent another round of scans after completing the last few months of chemo. His scans took place on Tuesday and Wednesday and then the waiting began. Emotions ran high and all we could do was bunker down as a family and present our fears to the Lord. Gray’s doctor finally called us with results on Thursday afternoon and to say they were devastating is an understatement. There are no words to explain the emotions of April 12, 2012. It’s a day that has changed our lives forever. Gray’s doctor apologized for the news she was about to deliver and then went on to tell us that Gray’s cancer not only HADN’T responded to this round of chemo, but had in fact grown and spread. Gray’s original tumor has grown and is now wrapped around his kidney. The doctor also explained that Gray’s cancer has spread and there are nodules in both lungs. Tumors have also begun to wrap around Gray’s ribs. There was nothing left to do on Thursday but cry and cry some more. The doctor assured us that she would do as much research as possible and would meet with us on Monday to go over our options. We were in shock.

Over the next three days we watched Gray’s health deteriorate at a suddenly rapid rate. He began complaining of abdominal pain, joint pain and spiked a fever to above 104. His fever jumps up and down but has never gone away. In a matter of days, Gray was refusing to walk and asked to be carried around the house. When he did walk he was doubled over in pain. He also began throwing up a few times each day. We felt helpless. Finally, Monday came and we went to meet with Gray’s doctor with heavy hearts but high hopes. As the meeting unfolded, it became very clear that there weren’t going to be any viable options to save our son. The doctor explained that there were a couple of trials we could enter Gray in, all out of state, but none of them were drugs that would fight Gray’s advanced cancer. The trials available would simply prolong his little life by a matter of weeks and the quality of those weeks would be made almost unbearable by drug side effects, hospital visits and alot of travel. Our only other option was simply to stop treatment. After MUCH prayer and conversation with our family we have opted to stop treatment. Hospice is being called into our home to make Gray as comfortable as possible. The thought of our baby living out the last weeks of his life as a guinea pig in a drug trial just wasn’t something we could face. We want the time he has left to be as pain free, as happy and as memorable as possible. Each time we drive to the hospital for a check-up or simply to fill a prescription we are comforted that our decision is the right one as Gray literally freaks out in the back seat. He hates the hospital. His memories of the hospital all involve pain and to force him through even more of that seemed like pouring salt in an already open and growing wound.

Gray hasn’t been given much time and considering the fast pace at which new symptoms are occurring we feel that his time may be even shorter than the doctors expect. We asked Gray’s doctor about his new symptoms such as his joint pain and walking doubled over. She explained that they are most certain that Gray’s cancer is also back in his bones but at this point don’t find it necessary to do another scan just to find out. With no treatment options available more scans don’t serve any purpose. Gray is most likely walking doubled over because of the tumors around his ribs. The doctor said that the tumors put pressure on his ribs and so bending forward helps relieve some of that pressure, especially while Gray walks. It’s still hard to believe that all of this is going on in our little boys body. He’s still so perfect on the outside. His ten little toes, ten long fingers, bright blue eyes and infectious grin…but on the inside his body is failing him. He just can’t fight anymore. He shouldn’t have to. Hospice is coming over on Monday to meet our family and go over what the upcoming weeks will hold. We are very anxious and upset but know that each day is a mountain that we have to climb. We don’t climb for ourselves, we climb for Gray.

We do covet your continued prayers for Gray and our family. During this time we are going to do our best to make Gray’s remaining time with us the best possible. We want to make memories, take alot of pictures and spend as much time together as we possibly can. Please also pray for our oldest son, Seth. At twelve years old, he understands what is happening but is still such a kid himself that it’s very rough on him too. When we as grown-ups can’t even understand the will of God, how is it that a child can understand? As we watch Gray and take care of his needs we try to remember that with as much as we love him and wish he could be with us forever that God has had a special plan on our baby from the beginning and while that plan may not be exactly what we were hoping for we still have to trust in our God and know that HIS will is perfect. We are still hoping for a miracle but at the same time have been given a great and unexplainable peace about Gray receiving his ultimate healing in heaven with the Lord. It’s not going to be easy though. Our hearts are literally breaking piece by piece, one moment at a time.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4