November 16, 2010 in Uncategorized with 6 Comments

Yesterday we were asked to have Grayson at the hospital by 6:30AM to be admitted for surgery at 9AM. We arrived at 6:30 but we are quickly learning about “hospital time” which is nothing like “reali life time” and so admissions was behind, surgery was behind, everything was behind. Gray passed the time by reading the US News & World Report! He’s such a little man. We spent most of the morning trying our best to keep Gray entertained while we waited for his turn to go back for surgery. He played with the toys in the waiting room and even played with another little boy too. Finally, the nurses called Gray back into a hospital room to prep him for surgery. Gray enjoyed getting all dressed in his hospital gown, paper surgery cap and thick warm socks. He actually was very “two-years-old” the entire morning! He was awnry! He was laughing! He was taking pictures with the nurses! Unfortunately, though, we knew the fun had to come to an end and before we knew it it was time for Gray to have his catheter put in for surgery. Soon after, they took Gray back. This surgery was to insert a second port into Gray’s body from which they will harvest Gray’s bone marrow over the next two to three days. We were told pre-surgery that this new port would be put into Gray’s groin but once the surgery was complete we were shocked to see that the doctor’s chose not to put the port into Grayson’s groin but instead into his neck. There are no words to express what it was like to see our little baby laying in his recovery bed with tubes sticking straight out of his tiny neck. We were sad, shocked, so emotional and horrified all at the same time. Nothing prepares you for that. NOTHING. As we walked into the surgery recovery room to hold Gray while he woke everything seemed so surreal. It was like we were walking into two months ago and holding Grayson just after being given the news of his cancer diagnosis. Deja Vu doesn’t even begin to describe the feelings. This admission to the hospital and second surgery have awaken feelings we thought we had already dealt with. We thought we were passed this point. Now, though, we are living through the same thoughts, the same emotions, the same feelings and the same fears all over again. There’s no sugar coating it…this is rough. It’s awful. It’s not fair. It was hard to sit and hold Gray in recovery and watch other mom’s holding their babies who were in the hospital for minor procedures and outpatient surgeries. It was hard to hold it all in. Why are we here for cancer? Why were we chosen to walk this path? Why can’t we be here to have tubes put into Gray’s ears to prevent ear infections or to repair a broken leg from climbing a tree? The questions haunt our minds. We were chosen, though, and Grayson is our baby boy and he does have cancer. We will walk this road. We may want to sit down and refuse to move any further, we may feel like our bodies can’t get up for one more day and we may feel that our emotions have no more fight but no matter what, we must. We must get up. We must keep moving. We must keep fighting. We just must keep. For Gray. For Seth. For ourselves. For each other. For life. As Gray was moved back to the room where he will spend the next week we watched our brave boy as he discovered his new port. He has no idea what each of his days will hold and all we can do is be there to discover each new moment right along with him. Our day ended with giving Gray his daily shot and having to access his original port again. Not a fun way to end such a long day, to say the least. We knew that tomorrow held even greater battles and all we hoped for was a good nights sleep. Over the next two days Gray will be transported to the Oklahoma Blood Institute via ambulance for his bone marrow harvest. We’re not sure what to expect but we’re taking this one day at a time. Please pray for Gray and our family. It’s difficult today to even know what you can pray for. We’re physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. We’re drained. Please pray for rest. Also, throughout this week, aside from caring for Gray and tending to him in the hospital we still have our oldest son, Seth, who has school projects due, homework and will simply need his own time and attention from mom and dad. Pray for balance. Just continue to pray. We’re almost too tired to even share specific needs. Please just cry out for our family. We thank you so much for your continued thoughts, prayers, concern, cards and gifts that you send our way. It means so much. We’re posting some pictures of Gray’s first day in the hospital. One of them, inparticular, is somewhat graphic and shows the new port placed in Gray’s neck. We wouldn’t post it if we didn’t want you to see but just know that it is difficult to look at.

Two strangers bound by one fate. Gray playing with another ancer patient in the waiting room.

Gray nervous about getting his catheter put in.

No matter what, he’s still Grayson!!

He really does LOVE his hospital get-up!!

Grayson’s second port. This is where they will draw his bone marrow from.

“My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, ‘Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest – I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.’”  Psalm 55:4-8