October 17, 2011 in Uncategorized with 7 Comments

I’ve heard it said that time heals all wounds however I would have to disagree; there are some wounds that time cannot heal, wounds that infect not only the flesh but also the soul, wounds that can change the very core of a person if left untreated.  What I do believe is that time is a tool, a gift given to us so graciously by our Creator allowing us to process the journey and bring us to a place of decision.

I can’t believe it has been over a year since we first received the diagnosis of Gray’s cancer.  In that very moment life changed drastically!  I have sat down to write this update many times and have had to walk away from it every time.  Each attempt has brought so many different emotions that I felt too scattered to actually put into words how I felt and where we are at in Gray’s treatment.  So today I am going to try again and hope that it all makes sense!

We are getting ready to go in for Gray’s last week of inpatient treatment.  And that in itself is proving to be quite emotional.  A year ago I couldn’t even fathom this day, I could hardly allow myself to see beyond the moment, fear was a major hurdle and many times I failed to clear it successfully.  In the beginning I found myself wanting to cry out to everyone I saw that my son has cancer, looking for some validation that life had become very cruel to our family.  I viewed his disease as a punishment and I found myself trying to reconcile what I had done to deserve such agony.  I felt like I had purchased a ticket on a rollercoaster that took me on the ride of my life, through every emotion, every thought and every dark place in my heart that I didn’t know existed or was unwilling to acknowledge.  At this point, please allow me to balance these raw feelings by saying that in no way do I believe that Gray has suffered because of anything we have done or as some wake up call from God telling us to straighten up, that would be in conflict with the character of God.  But I do believe we were created to bring glory to God, however God in all of His love and goodness doesn’t just stop at receiving, He gives back to us the opportunity to experience unconditional love, incomprehensible peace and the knowledge that He is holding us and leading us and that He will never leave us!  That being said, we are human and in our humanness we face many challenges and our own emotions are one of them.  I have learned that cancer is not just the physical battle that Gray faces everyday in his little body, it is also a battle of the mind for those of us who comprehend how fragile life is and how aggressive cancer can be.

Gray’s treatment in its entirety has been very successful and we are so grateful to so many for the love and support we have received.  There are moments that will be forever etched in my mind, coming home, laying on Gray’s bed and sobbing, hearing the word Neuroblastoma for the first time, the nurse in the recovery room telling me we were living every parents worst nightmare, and the nurse in the clinic saying, “welcome to the family”.  All I could think at the time was how much I didn’t want to be part of this “family” and how unfair it all seemed.  But if Gray never had cancer there are many things I would have never known, one of them being that during great hardship God manifests Himself through His people.  I have seen God through so many and I just wanted to take this time to share my heart.

I do not know how we would have made it through this past year without our families, our parents, Ralph and Joan Fogle, Ron and Carol Everaard, our brothers and sister-in-law Kent and Rachel Everaard and Pete Fogle and Doug’s grandfather Paul Oldham.  Not to mention countless other uncles, aunts and cousins!!!  Because our parents devoted this past year to basically our every need, we were able to find some sense of normal, it is a new normal, but nonetheless it’s our normal!  I can’t imagine having to watch your babies watch their baby suffer.  We love you all so very much, thank you!!!!

In the same sense that I found myself asking what we had done to deserve such turmoil, I now find myself asking what we did to deserve such love and support from everyone around us.  Friends like Erika and Brandon Knight who manage this website, have organized countless fundraising efforts and walked beside us through the most difficult time in our lives.  Robin Johnson who has dedicated this past year to literally taking care of us and who also had to deal with the loss of her own father to cancer during this time.

Brother and Sister Cargill and everyone at the District office who have extended grace and love and given us the gift of prayer and security. A huge thank you to all the youth, youth pastors and churches across the state of Oklahoma! Your prayer and support have been both coveted and humbling. We are honored to serve as your district youth directors.  Our church family at The Bridge who has been so compassionate, providing for our daily needs through meals and yard work as well as our spiritual needs through Pastor and Linda, the entire church staff and the congregation.  It would be impossible to thank each and every one who have prayed, sent cards and emails, and met our monetary needs.  Cancer can be so isolating, thank you Bridge family for not allowing us to disappear!  And our church family from Ponca City, you have continued to treat us like family and your support has meant the world to us!  Pastor Micah and Karen, thank you for being available!

I have always known that I have been blessed beyond most because I have always had incredible friends in my life!  This past year has been no exception.  It has been a challenge for me to be a caregiver to my sick child and a great friend at the same time, so thank you friends for allowing me to be quiet and work through this season.

There is no way to mention every kind gesture, word and assistance that we have received through this journey, but please know that because of you taking the time to whisper Gray’s name, send a card, organize a fundraiser or cook a meal our family has been blessed!  Please continue to pray for Gray, his immunotherapy started today and he is already itchy, cranky and in some pain.  He is the toughest person I know however his little body is weary.  This is Gray’s last inpatient treatment but we will continue with medications at home as well as supplemental feedings through his feeding tube through November.  In December Gray will have all his tests run again and we trust the Lord that they will come back showing no signs of cancer!  And don’t worry, this is not the last update and I promise to not take so long to get the info out!  We love you!